How to stop being a People Pleaser

After experiencing narcissistic abuse it took me a long time to realise l had a pattern of people pleasing, which often manifested as feeling responsible for others, always saying yes, over explaining myself to others, avoiding conflict, loss of identity and wanting to save others.

Some of us get it drilled into us from a young age that other people are more important than us and that we need to be responsible for them or we have to be the ones who always save them. As we grow up we then become conditioned by society, family and culture that it is normal and ok to be responsible for others or try and save others.

For example, having a parent that never took responsibility or always needed saving would make you create these patterns very early on. For me my Dad had mental health issues so l always felt like l needed to rescue him and be responsible for him. I also had younger siblings and when my mum passed away l felt responsible for them - even though it was not my responsibility but my Dad’s. But when you are left with one parent who you felt responsible for anyway, you feel you have to be responsible for their responsibilities too. These patterns then became normal and develop into people pleasing and is also how it becomes easier to attract a narcissistic into your life. This is because narcissists focus on having their needs met and don’t care if your needs are met or not, and when you are people pleasing you are programmed to put other people’s needs before yours regardless of your needs, which is exactly what a narcissist wants.

You may have also developed the pattern from your society. For example, being a woman in certain societies automatically expects you to put others first and be the one to be responsible for others. This can be a conditioning that is given to you right from birth so that it then becomes normal for you.

These patterns followed me around in my life in partners, family, friends and colleagues. In adulthood l had become a people pleaser and always put others before myself. It felt normal to me until l started to  have a spiritual awakening and started to heal from narcissistic abuse.

I slowly started to realise that l never put myself first and said yes to things even if l didn’t want to do them. I realised I had been conditioned to feel guilty if l put myself first or thought about saying no to someone.

So l went on a journey to break my patterns of feeling responsible for others, trying to save others and never putting myself first. Here are some ways that l used and tips to help you break your patterns-

•Seek professional help for any trauma you have experienced in your life.

•Become aware that being responsible for others all the time without ever thinking of yourself or wanting to save others is not healthy or normal. You can help others but you need to think about yourself too. The most healthiest way is to think about your self first and then you are able to help others more easily when you know you are ok and your needs are met.

•Recognise your worth. You are worthy of putting yourself first and honouring your own needs. Understand that you don’t have to do things for others to feel worthy, instead understand that you are worthy just being you.

•Set healthy boundaries. Start looking at what boundaries you have in place. Do you need to set any boundaries so you don’t feel responsible for someone else or need to save someone else. Start making boundaries that align with your needs.

•Start recognising your needs, ask yourself what do you want or need. Are any of my needs met? How can l start to have my needs met? What do l want in life?

•Validate your emotions. All of your emotions are valid even anger, shame , guilt & sadness. Recognise when you feel emotions such as joy, excitement and love. Journal how you are feeling or how a past experience made you feel when you felt responsible for someone else or felt like you had to save someone else?

•Become aware of when you feel guilty out of conditioning, is it when you put yourself first? When you become aware of it, you can then reaffirm to yourself that - it is you birth right to put yourself first. Or l am not responsible for others. I don’t need to save others.

•Embrace authenticity. When you embrace who you really are you will stop trying to do things just to please others. Understand who you are, what you want, your beliefs and your desires then start aligning your actions and thoughts to match who you really are.

•Reflect on your relationships. Have a look at your relationships and access if your needs are met within the relationship too. If you find that your needs and their needs are met then this is a healthy relationship but if you find a relationship is one sided where just their needs are met then this could be a people pleasing relationship. If you are experiencing a one sided relationship have a look at what changes you could make in the relationship so it is a healthy relationship or determine if the relationship is right for you or not. This is easier said than done but just start small you don’t have to make any big decisions straight away.

•Start self care- unsure where to start with self care here is my ebook on self care.

•Start putting yourself first, unsure where to begin check out my blog post- Put yourself first as a Woman

•Start practicing self love, want to know where to start with self love-check out my ebook on self love.